Man, it’s nice to not have to do anything or be anyone.
To not have to put up a facade or be locked into playing a role (unless you’re OK with it). To just say, think, feel and do what comes naturally in every single moment.
It’s like I’ve won the lottery and gone to heaven. This is what I always wanted. What my entire being was screaming for in my early twenties when, what was supposed to be the rest of my adult life, was starting to come into view for me. I’d like to say I dodged a bullet and make it sound dramatic, but all of this was always just the inevitable unfolding pattern of me and my life.
It’s crazy how we believe we want and need things beyond ourselves – and want them now! It’s crazy how we don’t see through it all. Career, relationships, possessions, money, status, accomplishments, you-name-it. That none of it really does the trick.
Nothing delivers. That was the crystal clear realisation that struck me right down to the very core all those years ago. Nothing, either on the inside or outside of myself, was bringing me the abiding relief and completeness that I was longing for – an end to my seeking. It was all just hollow, fleeting experience – not necessarily bad, but never ‘it’ either.
When infected by beliefs and investment in things, it’s almost impossible to manifest one’s authentic truth. You’re chained by fundamentally flawed premises of life. You run around chasing and trying on solutions to symptoms, basically laying on the floor trying to build a wheel chair, instead of finding a way to truly heal your broken legs.
But whereas I still carry painful wounds, confusing conditioning and deeply rooted unhealthy habits that makes life tough at times, or at least far from perfect (in theory) – my legs are still bruised and weak – I’m at least up on my own feet.
I no longer believe that anything is really ‘wrong’ and thus that there is such a thing as a ‘solution’ to anything. I don’t have any reason to suppress or resist anything in life anymore. And given that I no longer believe that either problems or solutions exist (in a true existential sense) – I just surrender to life.
It’s like you just open up and take yourself and life exactly as what it is. Do what you need to do. Intuitively feel your way forth. And curiously enough, the result is that you simply don’t existentially suffer anymore – no matter what life throws at you.
U.G Krishnamurti said: “it is the solutions that you take as valid, that are responsible for your problems”. And that’s exactly it. It’s like I’ve literally lost the ability to perceive anything as a real problem or a solution. And because of that I’ve seemingly ended up an old man in a world of children, that has somehow lost all stakes in the game and instead just goes with whatever arises in the moment, as if nothing really matters anymore.
But despite residing in this seemingly nihilistic place, I somehow also perceive a constant perfection in everything. I see zero reasons to look back over my shoulder wondering what could’ve been, or to look ahead and try to decide what should come next. I don’t really care. It’s not that I’m telling myself that I’m content where I am, it’s that I’m neither able see how things could be different, or believe to know that they could be better, than what they are. I literally can’t come up with a reason (that makes any sort of solid, actual sense) why I shouldn’t be. I can see the same beauty in all things equally, every day. Because beauty, real beauty, doesn’t reside at the level of thought, where ‘this’ start to separate into many, supposedly ‘different’, things. And I feel a weird but very pleasant, subtle kind of love for ‘just being’, however cheesy that sounds.
There. That’s a bit about this way of life. But more importantly: about your way of life too, if you’d like.